I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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