it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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