Your mouth is God's brothel.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
