So drunk its hurt
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!