I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
