Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
