I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
