"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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