the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
