i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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