he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
