you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
