I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize