i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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