I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
