my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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