Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
