I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
