Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
So much rum. So many feels.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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