there's paper in my vomit.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
