so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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