I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
