this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
