Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
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