Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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