Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
