Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
