i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
How does one acquire holy water?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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