3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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