Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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