hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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