I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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