Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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