I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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