not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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