you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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