oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
