And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Randomize
