Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
