if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
