i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
