it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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