Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
