Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
