Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
