Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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