I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
