I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
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It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
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I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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