Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Randomize
