I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
