we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
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