She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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