zippers are such a cool invention
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
