The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
