Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
